I'm not very good at hyping myself up, so this current paragraph is designed to change all that. So brace yourself for the EDGIEST, GRITTIEST most cutting edge filmmaker YOU HAVE EVER SEEN, I will blow your mind! I push the envelope so hard it will give your boner a boner! I'm so gritty and edgy, I takes "it" to the next level, even though nobody has ever, ever figured what "it" is before. Well I have! the "IT" we've all been talking about for years is ME! I'm so amazing I will refinance your home, enlarge your penis AND save the Whales. I'm THAT good.

Now about that commercial you want to make. Did I mention I'm available to direct? The set will contain small traces of grit, and there will be visible edges on it. Any scenes shot in an elevator, I will personally take the crew up to the next vertical level and shoot the scene there instead. I will place envelopes on the set so that I can push them around with my bare hands. I'm even willing to cut the edges off those envelopes! Cuz that's just how I roll. Alternately just tell me what you want to hear, and I'll say that instead. Are we in synergy?